Census A Lost Opportunity To Ask Curly Questions

Sydney Morning Herald

Friday August 11, 2006

Emma Wilson

I'M NEW to this census stuff. My adolescent status afforded me the opportunity to have parents fill out the forms in previous years. In fact, catching me standing still in this country has always been a 50-50 bet.

I was kinda looking forward to filling this census form out myself. Now I'm married and pregnant, I'm feeling rool-grown-up!

Being the actual census form filler informs the nation you have nothing better to do with your midweek night. No band to see, no restaurant or bar dates. I was sorely disappointed with the form, though. What a letdown, what a boring, innocuous piece of fluff. All that build-up. Advertisements on the TV, exciting parcels under the front door, all very cloak and dagger. I had my sleeves rolled up and my tongue out in anticipation.

Census people, if you're going to go to the trouble of employing staff to write, print, hand out, collect and collate material, make it interesting.

Sure, we want to know how many Protestants are in Paddington and Catholics in Camperdown so we know how many churches to rip down and turn into bowling alleys, but get to the good stuff. I want to know how many Australians have thought about taking in a mistress in the past 12 months? How many have had an affair or received a saucy gift from another man's wife. I want to know how many Australians fantasise about their boss, take money out of their children's piggy banks while they sleep, or change the locks if their husbands come home late.

"Did you get to work by car, train or bicycle today?" Bore me to tears, honey! It's all in the wording. What about "What was the real reason you called in sick today?" or "Have you ever worn your wife's underpants?" Or "Do you keep a diary on the whereabouts of your flatmates?" Or "How many people do you owe money to in your social circle?"

I listened to 702 ABC's Virginia Trioli on Wednesday morning and the consensus was this: nobody seemed to mind filling it out but we were just getting into it when it abruptly ended.

Take heed! Have you ever heard of an open-ended question? You could max it out at 25 words or less, like the magazine competitions, and get the goods on all kinds of intriguing Australian info. While the audience is captive, you could ask: "Do you really think Schapelle Corby is innocent, and why?" Or "Have you ever taken your husband's points so he doesn't lose his licence?" Or "Have you ever considered trying the new drug ice?"

For all we know, this census may have glossed over the necessity to build two new relationship crisis centres in every suburb, four more Lifelines, a free new financial advisory phone line and three ice drug-crisis centres.

It pays to ask the right questions. Next time there is a census, leave it to generations X and Y to administer it.

We'll know how to get the good stuff out of you.

Readers are invited to apply wit to anything that makes the blood boil. Send 600 words, with day and evening phone numbers, to heckler@smh.com.au. Submissions may be edited and published on the internet.

© 2006 Sydney Morning Herald

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